Unorthodox Weight Loss Tips

Now, I wouldn't advocate any of the weight loss methods below. In fact, I'd go so far as to discourage each and every one of them. However, anyone who's struggled with their weight and has wished for a miracle might find these ideas amusing. (SATIRE ALERT: If you have no appreciation for satire, please stop reading)

1. Follow the Supermodel diet.

Be sure to give your body the nutrients it needs by eating a sensible diet of lettuce and Diet Coke. Or tomatoes and apples.Guaranteed to make you "drop-dead" gorgeous.

2. Forget replacing soda with water. Replace both with Enviga.

Three cans of this stuff have negative 100 calories. That means you'd have to eat 100 calories' worth of food just to break even.

3. Instead of taking the bus, push it.

4. Instead of the see-food diet (when you see food, you eat it), try the c-food diet.

Only eat food if it starts with the letter c. (Unfortunately, this includes cookies, cake, and chocolate)

5. Consider corrective surgery.

Of course there's liposuction. You could also get breast augmentation, to make your belly look smaller in comparison. Not recommended for men.

6. Try the "Fat Flush" plan.

Seems to follow the "toilet principle": Eat a whole bunch of fat (flax seed oil) to help "flush out" the fat. A big hit among eccentric geriatrics.

7. Forget the 3-Hour Diet. Try the 3-Day Diet.

Eat only once every 3 days. Guaranteed to help you lose weight. (Participants should eat a sensible diet and engage in regular, moderate exercise.)

8. Trying to decide between Pilates, yoga, weight-training and running? Do all of them.

9. Try the WWJE? Diet.

When you get hungry, ask yourself: "What Would Jesus Eat?" Probably not a hamburger and french fries, since those hadn't been invented 2000 years ago.

Wondering what you can eat? Dig into the greatest trove of Middle Eastern recipes in the world, the Bible. Hint: You'll probably be eating a lot of fish and bread.

10. Nothing beats heroin.

A favorite with Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and anyone else chalking up their weight loss to "TrimSpa". And if you don't like the unsightly "track marks", then opt for methamphetamine (crystal). Minor side effects include rapid aging and zombification.