Gaydar Secrets
81
Gaydar = gay radar
Okay, I might get into serious trouble with this, but I've been asked dozens of times how you can tell a gay man or woman from his/her straight counterparts. ('Straight' means 'heterosexual' in modern gay parlance)
Some are obvious (I mean, do you need my help to know Richard Simmons and k.d. lang are gay?). But most are a bit more subtle, and it isn't usually a matter of how much product they use in their hair, or how much they follow professional sports, that really matter.
Some have said it's a sense that's difficult to describe, and I guess it is. However, I've distilled the following clues from my *years* (ahem!) of experience:
(Take it for all it's worth--I'm just having fun here)
#1) The walk
Gay men take short strides. It's true. Gay men walk like geishas wearing wooden sandals. Straight men, on the other hand, look like they're trying to compete in the long jump, extra slowly--very long strides.
Lesbians walk like straight men. A definite swagger. There's a reason there's a saying in the lesbian community: "If it talks like a dyke and it walks like a dyke, then it probably is a dyke."
#2) Awareness of people around them
Gay men need to look at every other person in sight. When in public, gay men are continually distracted by other people. It's almost comical (being so utterly predictable) when you walk in a restaurant or a shop, and all the gay men will whip their heads around to look at you. It's in our DNA, completely instinctive. Meanwhile...
Lesbians couldn't care less. Butch lesbians, in particular, are too concerned with their gadgets--they, like straight men, adore PDAs, CBs, BBs, and every other mechanical acronym out there. If it weren't for lesbians, the Radio Shack and hardware stores in the Castro and West Village would go out of business. (Restoration Hardware, on the other hand, is a favorite among gay men)
#3) Names
Gay men dislike nicknames. Gay men want their name as long and formal sounding as possible, like they really want to reclaim the name their mothers called them when they were angry. It's much rarer to meet a gay Chris than a Christopher, for instance. It's never "Tom", it's "Thomas". And forget calling a gay man "Andy"--it's "Andrew", or, even better yet, "Andrew Michael".
Conversely, lesbians will shorten their names to the most masculine sounding nickname possible. "Christine" is always "Chris", "Leslie" is "Les", and "Georgia" always ends up as "George" (no, I'm not kidding). If the name is impossible to shorten to a masculine-sounding nickname, like Jennifer or Virginia, then it's just a single letter: "J" and "V".
#4) Clothing fit
Gay men will wear it as tight as possible. For some odd reason, gay men are as obsessed with their pant size as straight women are with their clothing size. The difference between a 32 and a 34 presents as big a self-esteem issue for gay men (and, apparently, Jerry Seinfeld) as a 6 and an 8 does for a straight woman. It's not unusual to see a gay man stuffing his flabby frame into a too-tight size 32 jeans just so he can brag about wearing that size.
Lesbians, like straight men, like baggy and loose. Really butch lesbians will wear shirts as loose as possible in order to give the semblance of breastlessness (especially among those trying to look like 14-year-old skateboarders). Most of the butch lesbian women I know exclusively shop at the men's department, and that includes underwear (they prefer boxers).
#5) Music preferences
Gay men: bubble-gum Europop. Or House. Or Techno. No substitutions or exchanges. Gay men love Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams, and Groove Armada. Unless you're a gay man or a European, you've probably never heard of them.
Lesbians love Country. Or Heavy Metal. Or Folk Rock. No substitutions or exchanges. Lesbians love anyone who has played at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. No one else even wants to go to Michigan.
#6) Smiling too much or not at all in pictures
Gay men grin from ear to ear in pictures. In an attempt to show as many of their pearly whites on celluloid (or memory sticks), gay men instinctively smile as widely as possible when their picture is being taken.
Lesbians, on the other hand, usually snarl. Maybe a pout. Maybe a threatening glare. But never a smile. Never. (Except the femmes)
Test your gaydar
Gay or Eurotrash? - There was also "Lesbian or German Lady?" from the same site but the link is now dead :-( I got all of these right (but keep in mind, they're not confirmed; I just agreed with the judges)
OKCupid's Gaydar Quiz - 10 male and 10 female questions, and I have to say some are a little tricky. I got 75% correct.
ABC's 20/20 Gaydar Quiz: Yeah, it's mainstream now. I got 8/10 right, but in all fairness, the picture is *small*.
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Your welcome Livelonger and thank you for responding too, I actually like being an exception to the rule lol :)
There's an exception to every rule, Calpol! Thanks for your comment.
Hi livelonger,
Good hub, I am a gay man but having read your article I am not like any of those categories for gay men I suppose I am just different lol, however I know of a few people that do fit the profiles lol :-)
Just for fun I have wrote below my answers to your topics and wondered what you would say people like me are?
I take big strides in my walking as am 6ft 4ins
I dont get distracted by other people
I love nicknames - mine is calpol
I dont wear tight clothes
I love al sorts of music
I always smile and never grin :)
Lol I guess I am just a different type lol :-)
a few points are valid - Iam a bartneder for a living so each night I see hundreds of people...since chicks are always coming onto me Ill assume theyre GAYdar if totally off since Iam Gay - and when a straight couple comes up to the bar - I always pay alot of attention to the guy even if I know he's 100 straight - straight guys love it !!! Iam like totally kind of coming onto the guy in an off hand kind of way - and they dig it but the chicks get so mad...like there are not quite sure whats happening but they just know Iam sending my energy to their husbands....its kind of funny - some women grab the guy closer almost like sub-cosciously and some totally know and stare me down like he MINE! bitch! but No Iam not a guy you could ever know was gay unless I told you and the funny thing is Iam totally out - and out loud man....the lesbians I have known have actually shortned there names like you say and yeah alof of gay guys will NOT shorten there names so that is on the money -- and yeah Gay guys are always checking everyone out....either for sex or for the hair - clothes and well just checking everyone out - and up and down...so some of it is true...
melbel: That is hilarious! I think developing good gaydar is just about practice. That explains why you're better at figuring out gay men than lesbians. I've known so many lesbians that it's almost second nature to me, but I have been known to miss a few and register some false positives, too. ;) Thanks!
I think I have really good gaydar (when it comes to men), but I grew up in a really gay friendly community. (And in all fairness, I'm a hag.) My best friend, who I've known since we were like 7 or 8 is gay and I think I knew he was gay even then. He was the coolest boy evar! I mean, what other boy played Barbies with me other than my brother flushing Barbie's head down the toilet?
The only time I was way off is when my friend's friend brought one of his friends, Chris, over to hang out. I'd been told previously that Chris was gay. And I was really nice to him and after he left I was like, "Wow, he was REALLY nice." And my friend was like, "Yeah, you were kind of flirting with him."
"No I wasn't!"
"Well, yeah, you were and he said he's kind of into you."
"What? He's gay"
"Wrong Chris."
With women, my gaydar is way off. I think like I can tell like woman are lesbians but don't realize it. A lot of girls in school came out years later and when I'd heard each one was gay, I would think to myself, "Well, that kind of makes sense..."
AMAZING hub, by the way. I'm totally sharing it with a few of my friends.
That's funny, although sadly not true. If I had a nickel for every dumb gay guy I've ever met, well... Although as far as stereotypes go about gay men, that's about the nicest one I've ever heard!
I did have a woman assume that I was gay or at least bisexual. A mutual gay friend snorted and said "Him? Not a chance. He's just smart. That's what confused you!"
I thought that had some truth in it too :-)
xethonxq: You're right. The femmes/lipsticks are much harder to distinguish from straight women.
Pcunix: I can think of one thing about you that I'm very sure your wife is happy with and wouldn't want to change! Maybe she just wants you to go "metrosexual" (that 1 month phenomenon that occurred in 2004; the 7 year backlash continues)
Hmm. So, based on this criteria, my wife has been trying to make me gay for over forty years now..
Every one of those rules are things she'd LIKE me to do..
This was awesome...I found myself smiling the entire time I read this because you hit the nail on the head with it...although I do have to admit that the lesbian one is very much about butch lesbians...just sayin' :)
WTF!! the lesbian one is a stereotype.
Good hub. But, maybe you should have also mentioned straight people who look like they are gay... According to all of your observations, I must be a butch lesbian. (Not)
85% on the quiz. Totes gay! lol
Haha, I'm better in general with girls than guys. Go figure! ;)
Okay, I got 80 on the quiz and was better with the guys than with the girls. Awesome Hub :)
justmesuzanne: Considering he's homophobic, and sounds like Corky St Clair from Waiting for Guffman, I would say he's your typical "closet queen."
So what do ya'll think of Michelle Bachman's husband?
Out since 1991! Thanks for the comment. :)
Thanks for the insider information. When did you come out?
I don't know if your observations are correct, but one time, I met a man in a coffee shop. We were sitting near each other and struck up a conversation. He was a regular looking guy who talked about his job as a carpenter. I thought he was attractive and interesting, and the minute he stood up, I KNEW he was gay. I cannot tell you how I knew. There was nothing overtly gay about this man, but I knew with absolute certainty that he was gay the very moment he stood up. We parted company and never contacted one another, so I've never been able to verify this, but I don't have to. I absolutely know that man is gay, but I have no idea how I know!
Interesting article. Voted up and helpful! :)
All of it true! LOL!!! It was the Robbie Williams reference that got me laughing out loud!
Only the smile and occasionally the awareness applies to me. I refer to people to whatever they introduced themselves to me and will only use their long name if they can't hear me or something like that. I don't care about nicknames, you can shorten or lengthen my name all you want. I'd say the best thing to look out for is the smile, straight people seem to have problems smiling.
I was not aware of the skateboarder type of lesbian, except whenever I see girls dressed that way, it makes me want to puke. Sorry, you can probably tell I'm not "openminded," nor do I wish to be.
All that aside, this was a really funny and insightful hub. I had to laugh at the new gay stereotype, it's so true. People who want to promote homosexuality (and every single human being should be treated with the same respect regardless of orientation), often like to point out that an apparently straight man might not be so no matter the fact he is married with children.
Well, I love trance music and I'm not gay. I also cry at the movies and hate sports. So much for stereotypes, unless... maybe... I'm gay???
Fun hub.
Ever since i came out to myself (i was hiding for years pretending to care about boys, hah, what self-torture), my gaydar has gone through the goddamned roof. I can spot all those closeted ones too. It's like I see them and I know what stage of closetedness they're in, because I was there too! My favorite, however, are the downlow men. I can spot them easy and always have the urge to tell their girlfriends/wives. I actually dated one of those. We had a good time together, but love was never part of the equation. It's funny the ways we find eachother even when we don't know who we are.
I believe this 99% accurate! Hilarious!!!
Haha I am a closeted gay 20 year old and this describes me 100%! No wonder people ask me every now and again if I am homosexual, and why I get hit on my every openly gay individual. Love this!
LOL, Very funny..! But actually, this is not real Gaydar. The author thinks these traits are subtle, but these are very obvious behavior that are consciously displayed by openly gay men and women. A gay man (myself included) uses his Gaydar to spot straight-acting closeted men who don't show any of the traits listed above. It's mystery why many gays have it, and most straights don't. I'd say it's resonance between same kind. When a "straight man" claims that he has a Gaydar, it makes me chuckle.... ;)
well i have to say, i have a nick name of johnno, or mick but never am i called michael. i take big strides in my walk possibly coz im 6'6ish im not sure but do not take small strides. i do not like tight pants but tight tops i do like, i do look at most people in a room, i'm your more straight gay man, not that i hate those that are prissy or femanine but i would never be cought dating one, give me your tradie/footballer/metal worker any day.....
haha this is awesome. Great hub page :)
Found the gaydar for lesbians:
http://www.blairmag.com/blair4/dyke/gaydar.html
Please edit your article. You were looking for that in your article.
Funny - I'm a lesbian but none of these apply to me.
I have to rush and tell my gay neighbor I read this, because he is always having to point things out. I always wondered why he notices so much in the neighborhoos and I am oblivious. Poor man, I have been exhausting him with my questions about the gays and the lesbians, I get so turned around, especially about the 'queen' name, which I thought was a cross-dresser. But I died laughing when I read about the flag lapel pin, because I lived in D.C. in the 80's, and ran with a friend who worked with the Republican Senatorial Committee, Moral Majority, and all that. Well, it wasn't till years after I moved, I learned about some of them, through death from Aids, and stuff that has come out. I guess I must have been a 'beard', but I could be using that wrong. I sure went to a lot of dancing, and clubs, and had lots of fun, because I liked to dance. I even went to Reagan's innaugural ball, the most sought after one, with dress and everything provided. I didn't know what all those 'connections' were all about when this was offered to entice me to be a dance and date at these events. I mean I never expected anything different at the beauty salons, but, I loved to dance because my parents danced, and I could do all the jitterbug, walse, foxtrot, etc., so I guess I was a good beard. I guess the innocent ones are the best.
The only thing I knew little about was the country western dances. They would drive up to Maryland, but they sure ran into a lot of their friends up there, and I never wanted to go back, I felt like a rag doll, so many people asking me to dance, all moral majority and republicans. I'm not a republican, just a girl that loved to dance.
Still oblivious, but reading this was great. Don't get out much anymore. Have MS.
not my gun...my gaydar...lol...nonetheless...I like your article.
LOL. Great article. As a lesbian or whatever I'm called these days, "futch",you made me laugh. You shouldn't worry about getting into trouble. I think I have a pretty good gaydar myself. The switch on my gun can also be moved from Gay to Confused/Closeted. It's a touchy subject isn't it. Keep it up! :)
Im gay.... And these arent facts. Lol
I take long strides wen i walk and ppl always complain i walk to fast
And im the least observant person in the world....
hahaha!!!!!!!!!! i ALWAYS ALWAAAAYS tell ppl i have excellent gaydar and it has never failed me yet. and i must say, these ponts you bring up are mos def on the money. they may not apply to all gay ppl, but if someone possesses them, they are gay. (NO MATTER HOW THEY MAY DENY IT!!) i laughed with each point i read. because i can totally relate to how my gaydar just GOES OFF when these things come into play. of course, there are also other EVEN MORE SUBTLE things that most ppl wouldnt even look for/notice. but thats what makes my gaydar excellent. hasnt steered me wrong yet.the problem comes in when i think of how loud the gaydar siren goes off when my female friends' bfs come around...uh boy..
livelonger--You are hilarious! I enjoyed your writing and fun spirited observations. As a Dyke who doesn't walk, talk or look like...well you get the point, I laughed my rear off.
Thanks for a moment to laugh at our own expense and feel a warm poke-in-the-side over some real tongue-in-cheeky words!
If you get a chance to read my hub, let me know what you think. Have a great day and keep writing!
Ya, I agree with Taeoh.
I'm gay, but I much prefer going by a nickname, I only listen to screamo, and rock. And I NEVER smile in pictures.
It's all just stereotypes.
I completely disagree with this article. nothing here applies to me. I have great abs and a size 34 waist. I'm 6'5'' so any smaller and i would look sick. As for music i listen to Rap and i mean luni coleone thug shit. I don't smile in pictures either, i prefer to mean mug. I also don't go by my entire name, why pronounce 7 letters when i can go by 3! lastly, i get into my gadgets. My i-pad is my new favorite toy. this hub needs some tweaking!!!
leave it to me to fit all the lesbian stereotypes aw well who cares im already out and proud
some of these are vast generalizations, mainly the ones that deal with preferences (music, clothes etc)- but the mannerisms are spot on. I'm gay and I never noticed before reading this that I ALWAYS look at everyone in a room, from one person to the next.
hi! this is so helpful i want to discover whos hiding in the closet among ny friends. thanks
Okay, well, I am a gay man, and I found this article extremely generalized. What a person looks like, acts like, and talks like has nothing to do with who they are attracted to. I've known many guys who I had thought were gay, but they turned out to be straight and vice versa.
-I have long legs, so I have long strides.
-I do not smile ear-to-ear in pictures.
-I do not prefer the long version of my name.
well crap I guess im either str8 or a lesbian, and to think all this time I "thought" I was a gay man. I am nothing like any of the "gay" charachteristics lol.
I concur with almost everything but the nicknames part. I am so sorry, but WE DO LOVE NICKNAMES. Moreover, people be aware of the circumstances, everything varies upon each culture.
I'm gay, and yet I don't meet any of those qualifications. I wear baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers. My name is Ryan but I don't lengthen or shorten it. I smile in pictures, but not some weird demented Jack Torrance smile like the one that is described. And I hate the music that "All gay men like" So basically, you are full of shit.
This article is so out there. I listen to progressive rock and j-pop, I prefer baggy clothing over tight clothes, I never smile, and prefer short nicknames over my full name.
What color is the sky on your world?
really horrible article. I am a masculine gay guy, and struggling to find other masculine gay men.
To best exaplin, I come across as the guys from brokeback mountain. I dont do any of the things that the article says, yet i am a gay man. I guess tehre are many gay guys out there like me who would be coined as str8, which is not correct because i am a masculine guy who just happnes to like other guys. No hard feelings, but I would be really happy if you wrote a more useable article about gaydar taht can help masculine gay guys who are searching for other men. Much appreciated - thanks.
TheSickRomantic 5 days ago
Lmao! Omg! This shit is for real! ...i just found out some stuffs about myself i dont even know but just realized i actually do them.
I mean am lipgloss lesbian, and used to think i knew all there was to know about lesbians, i mean my gaydar is onpoint, i could tell if a girl is bi, lesbian or just curious, by just spending an hour with her. Am THAT good, and then am really cute so girls ALWAYS like me.
This article is really good though! U got me hooked with the gadgets and pictures part.
Nice one! (Y)